How is a good sermon like a piece of Matza?

Answer: They both should take less than 18 minutes!

***

It is really hot outside. Hot like a desert.

There are hundreds of people out there in the fields, wrapped in rags, with ripped sandals on their aching feet. They walk haggardly, the whiplash marks painted all over their broken bodies. To the side stands the guard, a dark-skinned man with an interesting-looking beard.

Stop for a moment and imagine the scene. Enter Egypt of 3300 years ago.

Now make use of your imaginary Photoshop program, and insert yourself into the picture. From now on, you will be experiencing the drama along with the others. You will try to feel their pain and plight.

Ready? Let's continue.

You notice one of your co-workers collapsing. He is blue.

You don't cry; you are already immune to pain, having lived this nightmare for the last seventy years. Life is painful.

When the guard walks over to the dead man, you have a brief moment to think undisturbed. Your mind begins to wander…

You remember the time your daddy sat you on his lap and related what had been told to him by his father, quoting the patriarch of the family: A day would come when a man would arise and declare in the name of G-d, "I have surely remembered you!" Then all the suffering would end…

Whip! GET TO WORK! The guard is back. Back to reality!

Back to work you go, but with a flicker of hope. The future you see so vividly revives your shattered soul. It is all about to end, you tell yourself with pure faith.

BOOM!

Hey, what's the noise I hear? Why is everyone shouting?

You raise your eyes and behold a dream come true.

There stands a man with an angelic look, with a long white beard and eyes so kind you forget your troubles. And he is shouting for all to hear, "G-d has said: 'I have surely remembered you!'"

Moses is in town. Welcome.

*

Now close Photoshop. Go back to the exile of America 2008.

No whips, no guards, but an exile of a different sort – a prison of secularism and lack of Divine revelation.

BOOM!

Hey, what's that noise I hear? Why is everyone shouting?

You raise your eyes and behold a dream come true.

There stands a man with an angelic look, with a long white beard and eyes so kind you feel the truth penetrating your soul. And he is shouting for all to hear, "The time of your redemption has arrived!"

Moshiach is in town.

Welcome.

Moshiach for Cows

Moshke came home with breaking news: "The rabbi just announced that some Moshiach guy is coming soon, and plans on taking us all to Israel!"

Shprintza was horrified: "To Israel? How could we leave the cows alone? Oy vey!"

Moshke runs back to the rabbi to voice his wife's objections.

The rabbi says: "Moshke! Forget about cows, when Moshiach comes and we go to Israel, we will never have to suffer from the Cossacks and anti-Semites! No more fear!"

When Shprintza heard what the rabbi had said, she came up with a brilliant idea: "Listen Moshke, go tell the rabbi, to tell this Moshiach dude, to take the Cossacks with him to Israel, and leave us alone!"

***

Who needs Moshiach?

Well, if you had lived in Poland in 1940, or in Russia 1960, in Spain 1492, ah! Then Moshiach sounded like a good idea. But in our 'life-is-great' free world, who cares about redemption? Redemption of what?

Mafia? Terrorists? Let Moshiach take the crooks and villains and leave us be.

So maybe this Moshiach stuff is not what you think. Take a look in "our" Torah portion.

Jacob is in Egypt, and life is great. His son Joseph is world renowned as the savior. The rest of his sons have built a flourishing Jewish community with Yeshiva's and synagogues in the suburbs of Egypt. The Family cattle business is prospering, and all is well.

All is well? Then why when it comes time to be buried, Jacob insists to be taken to Israel? Ok, you want to be buried in the Holy-Land, but to leave your family? Your children need you for inspiration and strength!

That is just it! Jacob wanted with all his heart to remain with his offspring's, however knowing how connected his children felt to him, he feared that were he to be buried in Egypt they will never leave! So Jacob had self sacrifice, he left his beloved family, just that they should know that exile is not home.

A Jew in exile, no matter how nice and dandy it may seem, is not home.

When Moshiach comes we will serve a revealed G-d, no more hiding-and-seek games with Hashem. That is redemption, a time when we serve G-d in a G-dly world.

True, there will be no suffering and no restraints, but that is only an outcome of the infinite light that will shine. Duh! When G-d is seen by all, obviously no one will do evil!

That was Jacob's lesson! Get out! Don't be at peace with the situation, this is not the ideal.

Cows? Money? Who needs 'em, we are gonna have the real McCoy!

Well, he's coming.

Hurry! Ready or not, here he comes.

Mr. Tough Guy

This guy enters the maternity ward with his wife.

He turns to the nurses and warns them that the baby better be a boy, or else he will destroy the hospital!

Ten minutes later a nurse walks out shivering: "Umm... Umm… your wife…. Had a beautiful……. girl…….."

BAM! SMASH! Within five minutes the waiting room looks like it has been hit by a hurricane scoring 8 on the Saffir-Simpson scale.

Suddenly a doctor runs out and says, "We made a mistake; it's a boy!"

"Ah!" The guy smiles, "I told my wife you can only get your way with violence..."

***

Brother against brother.

The younger brother Joseph sits on the Egyptian throne, while the older brother Judah is a native who came down to Egypt to bring some food for his starving family.

Fast-forwarding the story, we find ourselves in the palace.

There is tough talk happening; threats are being thrown around. And Joseph is not the one talking. Strangely enough, it's Judah who is acting like the big shot.

"If you insist on taking Benjamin as prisoner, I will destroy Egypt, kill every living being, and you will be the first order of business!"

Yo! Relax, kid! You're talking to the second-most powerful man in the world. I know he wants to kidnap your brother, but hey, where is some diplomacy? And you've got to learn to calm your temper – it isn't good for the blood pressure!

Besides, instead of one man down, you're now putting all the brothers in jeopardy! How would your father handle that?

What was Judah thinking?

Answer is that he wasn't!

All Judah knew was that he had promised his father Jacob to bring back Benjamin alive and well. He had guaranteed that this Jewish child would come home. And now someone planned on ruining the deal.

Cries Judah : I don't care who it is, and why. I promised my father! Whatever it takes!

Yes, diplomacy is often a better choice; however, there comes a time when we must cast it aside and scream: Enough is enough!

Terrorism in the Holy-Land.

Genocide in Darfur.

Murder in Ethiopia.

Destruction of morality the world over.

Diplomacy is not the solution. You are.

Did the Maccabees use their brains?

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk asks, "What denomination?"

"Oh my G-d," the woman says, "has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

***

You're a loner.

Friends have deserted you.

The world you knew is totally upside-down.

Morality is lost.

Religion is prohibited.

Everything you stand for is crumbling before your very own eyes.

What do you do?

You sit down with a few loyal followers to devise a plan of action. Ideas are being thrown around the table:

"Just give up; it's a lost cause!"

"We should go into hiding, so that at least we and our families will stay loyal and devout."

"Let's open an underground resistance movement, and slowly build it into a huge force. Eventually, when we will be large enough, we will fight back."

"Pray! And cry to G-d for help!"

What do you do?

You are the leader and everyone looks at you, waiting for your decision.

In your mind there is a vision of a day when freedom will ring through out the world, when democracy will replace tyranny. Flashbacks of mighty Samson, Abraham and Joseph float through your memory.

You look at the discouraged faces of your family and followers, despair painted all over their faces. What will become of them?

You reach a decision:

Fight back!!!

Are you out of your mind?

That is suicide!

What's the rush?

Moreover: if you lose, there will be no one left to teach the people!

Where is your responsibility?

Fight back!!!

You close your eyes, and you share a dream:

"Dear friends, I can see the future. I see a place called America, a country similar to our sophisticated Greece, full of culture and secularism. It is a land where religion is unpopular and out of style.

"Yet look! There is a Menorah at the White House, at the mall, in Manhattan, and in the windows of millions of people's homes.

"See the smiles on the faces of Jewish children; look at the determination in the faces of their parents! Listen how they tell the story of our heroism, and promise to keep up our legacy.

"We have responsibility for the future generations! We must not be afraid! The future of Judaism is in our hands!"

They smile at you. They understand.

Moshiach now!

Happy Chanukah!