How is a good sermon like a piece of Matza?

Answer: They both should take less than 18 minutes!

***

It is really hot outside. Hot like a desert.

There are hundreds of people out there in the fields, wrapped in rags, with ripped sandals on their aching feet. They walk haggardly, the whiplash marks painted all over their broken bodies. To the side stands the guard, a dark-skinned man with an interesting-looking beard.

Stop for a moment and imagine the scene. Enter Egypt of 3300 years ago.

Now make use of your imaginary Photoshop program, and insert yourself into the picture. From now on, you will be experiencing the drama along with the others. You will try to feel their pain and plight.

Ready? Let's continue.

You notice one of your co-workers collapsing. He is blue.

You don't cry; you are already immune to pain, having lived this nightmare for the last seventy years. Life is painful.

When the guard walks over to the dead man, you have a brief moment to think undisturbed. Your mind begins to wander…

You remember the time your daddy sat you on his lap and related what had been told to him by his father, quoting the patriarch of the family: A day would come when a man would arise and declare in the name of G-d, "I have surely remembered you!" Then all the suffering would end…

Whip! GET TO WORK! The guard is back. Back to reality!

Back to work you go, but with a flicker of hope. The future you see so vividly revives your shattered soul. It is all about to end, you tell yourself with pure faith.

BOOM!

Hey, what's the noise I hear? Why is everyone shouting?

You raise your eyes and behold a dream come true.

There stands a man with an angelic look, with a long white beard and eyes so kind you forget your troubles. And he is shouting for all to hear, "G-d has said: 'I have surely remembered you!'"

Moses is in town. Welcome.

*

Now close Photoshop. Go back to the exile of America 2008.

No whips, no guards, but an exile of a different sort – a prison of secularism and lack of Divine revelation.

BOOM!

Hey, what's that noise I hear? Why is everyone shouting?

You raise your eyes and behold a dream come true.

There stands a man with an angelic look, with a long white beard and eyes so kind you feel the truth penetrating your soul. And he is shouting for all to hear, "The time of your redemption has arrived!"

Moshiach is in town.

Welcome.

Moshiach for Cows

Moshke came home with breaking news: "The rabbi just announced that some Moshiach guy is coming soon, and plans on taking us all to Israel!"

Shprintza was horrified: "To Israel? How could we leave the cows alone? Oy vey!"

Moshke runs back to the rabbi to voice his wife's objections.

The rabbi says: "Moshke! Forget about cows, when Moshiach comes and we go to Israel, we will never have to suffer from the Cossacks and anti-Semites! No more fear!"

When Shprintza heard what the rabbi had said, she came up with a brilliant idea: "Listen Moshke, go tell the rabbi, to tell this Moshiach dude, to take the Cossacks with him to Israel, and leave us alone!"

***

Who needs Moshiach?

Well, if you had lived in Poland in 1940, or in Russia 1960, in Spain 1492, ah! Then Moshiach sounded like a good idea. But in our 'life-is-great' free world, who cares about redemption? Redemption of what?

Mafia? Terrorists? Let Moshiach take the crooks and villains and leave us be.

So maybe this Moshiach stuff is not what you think. Take a look in "our" Torah portion.

Jacob is in Egypt, and life is great. His son Joseph is world renowned as the savior. The rest of his sons have built a flourishing Jewish community with Yeshiva's and synagogues in the suburbs of Egypt. The Family cattle business is prospering, and all is well.

All is well? Then why when it comes time to be buried, Jacob insists to be taken to Israel? Ok, you want to be buried in the Holy-Land, but to leave your family? Your children need you for inspiration and strength!

That is just it! Jacob wanted with all his heart to remain with his offspring's, however knowing how connected his children felt to him, he feared that were he to be buried in Egypt they will never leave! So Jacob had self sacrifice, he left his beloved family, just that they should know that exile is not home.

A Jew in exile, no matter how nice and dandy it may seem, is not home.

When Moshiach comes we will serve a revealed G-d, no more hiding-and-seek games with Hashem. That is redemption, a time when we serve G-d in a G-dly world.

True, there will be no suffering and no restraints, but that is only an outcome of the infinite light that will shine. Duh! When G-d is seen by all, obviously no one will do evil!

That was Jacob's lesson! Get out! Don't be at peace with the situation, this is not the ideal.

Cows? Money? Who needs 'em, we are gonna have the real McCoy!

Well, he's coming.

Hurry! Ready or not, here he comes.

Mr. Tough Guy

This guy enters the maternity ward with his wife.

He turns to the nurses and warns them that the baby better be a boy, or else he will destroy the hospital!

Ten minutes later a nurse walks out shivering: "Umm... Umm… your wife…. Had a beautiful……. girl…….."

BAM! SMASH! Within five minutes the waiting room looks like it has been hit by a hurricane scoring 8 on the Saffir-Simpson scale.

Suddenly a doctor runs out and says, "We made a mistake; it's a boy!"

"Ah!" The guy smiles, "I told my wife you can only get your way with violence..."

***

Brother against brother.

The younger brother Joseph sits on the Egyptian throne, while the older brother Judah is a native who came down to Egypt to bring some food for his starving family.

Fast-forwarding the story, we find ourselves in the palace.

There is tough talk happening; threats are being thrown around. And Joseph is not the one talking. Strangely enough, it's Judah who is acting like the big shot.

"If you insist on taking Benjamin as prisoner, I will destroy Egypt, kill every living being, and you will be the first order of business!"

Yo! Relax, kid! You're talking to the second-most powerful man in the world. I know he wants to kidnap your brother, but hey, where is some diplomacy? And you've got to learn to calm your temper – it isn't good for the blood pressure!

Besides, instead of one man down, you're now putting all the brothers in jeopardy! How would your father handle that?

What was Judah thinking?

Answer is that he wasn't!

All Judah knew was that he had promised his father Jacob to bring back Benjamin alive and well. He had guaranteed that this Jewish child would come home. And now someone planned on ruining the deal.

Cries Judah : I don't care who it is, and why. I promised my father! Whatever it takes!

Yes, diplomacy is often a better choice; however, there comes a time when we must cast it aside and scream: Enough is enough!

Terrorism in the Holy-Land.

Genocide in Darfur.

Murder in Ethiopia.

Destruction of morality the world over.

Diplomacy is not the solution. You are.

Did the Maccabees use their brains?

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk asks, "What denomination?"

"Oh my G-d," the woman says, "has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

***

You're a loner.

Friends have deserted you.

The world you knew is totally upside-down.

Morality is lost.

Religion is prohibited.

Everything you stand for is crumbling before your very own eyes.

What do you do?

You sit down with a few loyal followers to devise a plan of action. Ideas are being thrown around the table:

"Just give up; it's a lost cause!"

"We should go into hiding, so that at least we and our families will stay loyal and devout."

"Let's open an underground resistance movement, and slowly build it into a huge force. Eventually, when we will be large enough, we will fight back."

"Pray! And cry to G-d for help!"

What do you do?

You are the leader and everyone looks at you, waiting for your decision.

In your mind there is a vision of a day when freedom will ring through out the world, when democracy will replace tyranny. Flashbacks of mighty Samson, Abraham and Joseph float through your memory.

You look at the discouraged faces of your family and followers, despair painted all over their faces. What will become of them?

You reach a decision:

Fight back!!!

Are you out of your mind?

That is suicide!

What's the rush?

Moreover: if you lose, there will be no one left to teach the people!

Where is your responsibility?

Fight back!!!

You close your eyes, and you share a dream:

"Dear friends, I can see the future. I see a place called America, a country similar to our sophisticated Greece, full of culture and secularism. It is a land where religion is unpopular and out of style.

"Yet look! There is a Menorah at the White House, at the mall, in Manhattan, and in the windows of millions of people's homes.

"See the smiles on the faces of Jewish children; look at the determination in the faces of their parents! Listen how they tell the story of our heroism, and promise to keep up our legacy.

"We have responsibility for the future generations! We must not be afraid! The future of Judaism is in our hands!"

They smile at you. They understand.

Moshiach now!

Happy Chanukah!

Mazal Tov! To my dear sister and Editor Chani Avtzon upon her engagement to Itzik Wolf, may they know only happiness and joy together! Mazal Tov!

Pass over the Schnapps!

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 50. One to change the bulb, 13 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb, and 36 to live elsewhere, start their own community, act mentshlich and not mention the previous bulb.

***

Hey, have you heard? It's Rosh Hashanah tonight!

One second, I know that at my old age, memory is the second thing to go (I forgot the first), but if I remember correctly, just over two months ago we already went through the motions? Have we sinned so much that the Rabbis instituted quarterly High Holy Days?

One second, just hear me out…

Oh, no, don't tell me that ten days later is a mid-winter Yom Kippur…

Relax, it's not another 500-dollar-seat-eight-sermons-hundred-horn-blows kind of New Year; this time we are celebrating a different type. And it even has a unique name: Rosh Hashanah for Chassidus.

Hold on, I never heard of Rosh Hashanah for the Talmud, and I don't recall a New Years for philosophy? Are we making new years for every new movement in Judaism? If that's the case, based on the 'two Jews three opinions' principle, we'll need a mathematician to figure out how many Rosh Hashanahs can be squeezed into a split second…

No, this is not just another movement; this is the energy of Judaism! I guess you can call it the Red-Bull of Jewish practice.

Huh?

Let me bring you an example. Imagine you live in beautiful house, a mansion, with all the delights you can imagine… but there is no light in the house. How much of the experience would it ruin?

All of it! It's almost worthless if I cannot see it. True, everything is in place, and light doesn't change anything, yet….

Ah! That is Chassidus; the light and energy of the Jewish way of life. You can live as a practitioner of Judaism by following the laws, however it is done robot-like, with no passion, and no happiness. The Chassidic revolution helps light up the already perfect, albeit dark and depressing home, so that it can truly shine.

Gotcha! Talking about Chassidic revolution, if I recall correctly, one of the good stuff it incorporated into our way of life, is the custom of raising a cup and saying L'chaim?

Correct!

Nu! It's Yud Tes Kislev! Pass over the Schnapps! What are we waiting for?

L'chaim! Let us bless each other the traditional blessing which Chassidim bless each other on this day:

MAY YOU BE INSCRIBED AND SEALED FOR A GOOD YEAR IN THE STUDY OF CHASSIDUS AND IN THE WAYS OF CHASSIDUS!

Annapolis: The Greatest Event in History!

During the first days of creation, G-d turned to the angels and said: "I am now going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkling lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."

G-d continued, "I shall make the soil fertile so that the inhabitants will prosper. I shall call these inhabitants Israelis, and they shall be known to the most people on earth."

"But L-rd," asked the angels, "don't You think You are being too generous to these Israelis?"

"Not really," God replied, "wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

***

Did you hear the news? The Israelis and Arabs are finally going to make peace! I know that you never dreamt it could happen, however the time has arrived! In just a few days in Annapolis, a quiet town in the state of Maryland, the unbelievable will occur, as the eternal rivals will shake hands and promise peace.

From then on, Jews and Moslems will live in harmony; Arab and Jew will fall on each other's shoulders begging for forgiveness for all the pain brought on by the conflict.

This year on Hanukah, the Moslems will join us at our Menorah lightings, singing and dancing with us and handing out tea herbs. And during Ramadan, the Israelis will deliver food and drink for the break-fast.

The flags of both the Israeli and Palestinian states will wave in the wind together, and we shall never know bloodshed anymore.

Sounds surreal and impossible? Nah, you're just acting naïve. Don't you see the peace and harmony thanks to Camp David and Oslo? Are you blind to the safety that the Disengagement brought upon the land? We trusted the Arabs and we were right! They are such peace loving and warm people, so moderate and accepting, so open to western culture and values – and of course, they are sooooo democratic!

Did you ever meet a Palestinian? Did you see the love in his eyes, as he blessed you and wished all Jews well? Did you feel how he shared the anger at the terrorists who wish to destroy the world? If not you must be blind; why, even our president sees it!

So dear friend, please don't believe those radical rightists who scream that you can't make peace with murderers. Close your ears to the tears of the residents of the missile-pounded Sderot, as they tell you that since the Disengagement, life has become hell on earth. They are just extremists and unrealistic dreamers.

Trust Mr. Olmert and his buddy Abu-Mazen: they are honest men, and if they promise peace, they will bring it, along with a Nobel Peace prize. They will not let us down!

So get ready, the greatest miracle in history is on the threshold – it will be even greater than Hanukah!

Oy vey Z'mir!

Let’s talk some Kabbalah

The rabbi shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from his post and moving to a dryer climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the rabbi with tears in her eyes. "Oh, Rabbi, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kind-hearted rabbi said, "Now, now, Carolyn, don't cry. The rabbi who takes my place might be even better than me."

"Yeah," she sighed, with a tone of disappointment in her voice. "That's what they said last time..."

***

Abraham lived in Israel and had two sons. Isaac stayed on the path; Ishmael left and later returned.

Isaac lived in Israel and had two sons. Jacob stayed on the path, while Esau left and never returned.

Jacob lived in Charan and had twelve sons. They all stayed on the path.

Kabbalah teaches us that the three patriarchs differed in their primary soul-powers. Abraham personified Chesed, kindness; Isaac represented Gevurah, discipline; Jacob is associated with Tiferes, balance.

That’s all for Kabbalah vocabulary, let’s talk in today’s language:

There are some who are of the school of thought that believes in love, love, love, pampering the child and smiling at him even as he burns down the kitchen. These are the kind of parents who, when their child causes trouble, blame the teacher for ruining the could-do-no-wrong child. This kind of child runs the risk of leaving due to weak discipline and no backbone. But eventually they return, because there is love. They know that there will always be a loving home awaiting them.

Then there are the tough discipline types: You know the whip-the-child-into-shape style. No bending, no flexibility, it is shape up or ship out. It works on some, yet fails miserably with others. Unfortunately, children may leave, and may have a rough time coming back.

But there’s the way of balance, discipline with love. Have boundaries and enforce them, yet be flexible and loving at the same time. See the child’s faults and deal with them. See his talents and develop them. Give him or her space to thrive within the safe boundaries you have created.

This philosophy has proven itself: Despite growing up in a hostile pagan environment, all twelve sons of Jacob stayed devout.

Balance.

Ha, Ha Look who’s talking!

The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, after the latter had suffered a mild heart-attack.

He said, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

***

Big bad Og was having a good time teasing the crowd.

Isaac, the miraculous baby born to his parents in their old age after years of infertility, was growing up, and his father decided to throw a party. From far and wide, people came to witness the miracle and pay their respects to a most prestigious leader.

Amongst the guests sat Og, a mighty giant and powerful king – and a vicious anti-Semite who was jealous of all the honor bestowed upon Abraham.

"Ha!" he turned to the crowd and roared, "What are all of you gushing about? If I wish, I can smother this kid with my finger; he's a nothing!"

At that moment, On High, G-d laughed and declared: "We'll see who smothers whom! In a few years, you will fall in the hands of the descendants of this frail child."

And so it was. Hundreds of years later, as the Jews crossed the desert towards the Holy Land, the mighty giant fell into the hands of Moses, grandchild of Isaac.

This tale of old is the story of our history.

"Ha!" cried Pharaoh.

"Ha!" screamed Nebuchadnezzar as he tore down the walls of Jerusalem.

"Ha!" declared Titus, as he put an idol in the Holy Temple .

"Ha!" announced Torquemada, as yet another Morrano was burnt at the auto-de-fe.

"Ha!" bellowed Stalin, as another Shul was closed, another Rabbi sent to the firing squad.

"Ha!" yelled Hitler.

"Ha!" jeers Ahmadinejad.

"Ha!" called the enemies of Israel for thousands of years.

"Ha!" cries secularism, "you devotees don't stand a chance in a sophisticated materialistic society!"

All along, we have heard the laughs, as the gas was poured into the gas chambers, and as another bus blew up.

But in the Heavens a greater laugh is heard, its echo reverberating throughout the darkness – for only G-d can know and see the truth and future. Ha! Whose name is remembered only through the textbooks, and who has managed to survive all the 'Ha's, and live on forever? WHO? WHO? WHO?

And here on earth laughs the Jew, as he devotedly keeps the tradition alive, never swayed by the jeers and teases. Ha! Just look how society crumbles without religion and morals.

Am Yisroel Chai! HA!

It’s not about you!

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "G-d, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

***

Meet the Main Player in this weeks Torah portion: Eliezer. He's the first emissary in the Bible, sent by his master Abraham to fetch a wife for the latter's son, Isaac. The Torah describes in relative length the drama of the first recorded matchmaking effort in history.

Throughout the story, Eliezer encounters miracles in abundance: his prayers are answered instantly, and obstacles disappear from his path. But nevertheless, his ego remains in check; not once in the story does the Torah mention his name.

When the time comes for him to introduce himself to the bride's family, he presents his business card. It reads: 'Eved Avrohom Anochi' (I am a slave from Abraham).

No name, no identity, no 'Graduate Harvard 86, Yale 89, Feeding the starved in Albania 97, Joined the march for the homeless 2000, Top executive in a Fortune 500 company, Board member at the local JCC, Plays golf to support the local Hadassah chapter.'

Many people today try to do many good things. The quest for betterment of humanity inspires wealthy individuals to donate their money to the less fortunate; governments to initiate peace talks; celebrities to champion the cause of environmental protection. Careers in therapy, special education, and medicine are very popular.

Yet all too often, beneath the benevolence and good intentions lay a sinister fellow, commanding us to the right or the left: Ego. It hopes to achieve recognition for its righteous efforts. The dream of seeing one's name in the papers is often an irresistible urge, spurring one on to accomplish his goal. The mission becomes an ego trip.

The Parsha encourages us to realign our goals. You don't fight to win a medal; you fight to win the war. G-d's war. And that's where true success is found.

When heaven calls, stand up and cry: "Eved Avrohom Anochi! I am nothing more than a servant, a messenger from On High to make this universe a holier and safer place for all of humanity and for all of G-d's creations."

Were the Patriarchs Close-Minded?

Please give me one second of your time. The joke will come later. I want to discuss a Biblical narrative with you. It is a story you've known since kindergarten, named "The Binding of Isaac."

Now, we all know that Abraham was the most open-minded man of his day, the first person to "think out of the box." After centuries of polytheism, he brainstormed the idea that the A-mighty is not the dust that got stuck between one's toes.

Yet all of a sudden, when his newly-discovered G-d commanded him to kill his son, the one and only devoted student, the sole propagator of his newfound belief – he did not, even for a moment, question the decree?

Come on, he should have at least begged for a second chance. If I were him, I would play the guilt game: "Listen G-d, let us be honest. I am the only one who serves you; if not for me, you would be a non-issue! And this is my reward?"

Then we have Isaac. He was a healthy man of 37, whereas his aged father was a hundred years older. With one shove, he could have sent his father reeling on the ground, or better yet, bind him to the altar and sacrifice him to G-d. But what did he do? He joyfully walked up to the altar!

If we were to pose this question to Abraham himself, he would wave his thumb in the patented Talmudic study style, as he put forth his idea:

"First of all, I thank G-d I do not live in the 21^st century, when enlightenment means that you can and must question everything, from the sanctity of marriage to the value of life; when you have a legal political party called 'marijuana reform' and when people are so "open-minded" that their brains fall out.

"Having said that, I want you to know that even a free-thinker must have some 'Buck Stops Here' principles for which he will live or die. When you have a backbone of values, then – and only then – you can venture out, knowing that no matter what, you will forever fall back on something solid, something true and everlasting.

"Once I accepted upon myself the sovereignty of the A-mighty, I willingly entered a box, an ark of holiness and meaning. I can still go out and look for ideas out of the box. But the box forever remains solid.

"One last word; If we have no backbone, then we have nothing at all."

* * *

Four Israelis are sitting in a restaurant in Tel Aviv. For a long time, nobody says a word. Finally, one man groans, "Oy."

"Oy vey," says the second man.

"Nu," says the third.

At this the fourth man gets up from his chair and says, "Listen, if you guys don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving."

Did Abraham have serious Psychological issues?

Let's take a look at Abraham's psychological analysis.

Resume

Name: Abraham

Age: 75

Marital status: Married to his niece Sarah.

Children: None.

Siblings: Brother Nachor, who was also his brother-in-law through marriage. Second brother, Haran , committed suicide.

Relationship with parents: Rebellious adolescence. Was caught smashing his father's idols. His distressed father reported him to the government which condemned him to death. Miraculously he escaped unscathed.

Friends: Um, has no friends, shunned by society.

Country of residence: None. He's a nomad, traveling constantly from place to place.

Mission statement: To convince the world of the existence of a Divine Creator.

Boy, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to come up with a serious analysis of this resume. The man has no family, has suicidal genes, has not had the parental opportunity for emotional growth, and lacks stability due to constant travel.

Freud would have a field day with this guy. This is prime show 'n tell for the effect of environment and nurture. This guy is a born loser.

But history is witness to the irony of fate.

The man who changed the world more than anyone else in history – by founding monotheism, fathering the Jewish people, and providing a true example of courage and defiance – is, surprisingly, the destined unfortunate: Abraham.

Was Abraham crazy?

Well, here are the facts. He went against everyone. He circumcised himself at age 99. He believed in G-d when He promised that Abraham would father a child in his old age. He fought a one-man war against the mightiest alliance of kings.

He kicked his own son out of his home because G-d said so. He almost slaughtered his second son. And there's more.

By today's standards, he was crazy. And many a thinker would blame his "quirks" on his tough childhood. If his handwriting would be analyzed by a graphologist… what would it tell?

Our history is full of the "psychological unhealthy": From Noah the loner to Abraham the rebellious, from Isaac who was emotionally abused by his brother, to Jacob who competed with his murderous twin-brother for their father's love. Joseph was sold as a slave by his very own brothers. And the list goes on.

Face it: We are a nation of crazies.

That's if being different and passionate defines craziness.

So dear friend: Do you have issues? You're in good company.

Welcome to the club.

Do we come from monkeys, or they come from us?

I personally know a rabbi who, for a long time, was pestered by a guy in his community. For example, every time the rabbi would speak at a rally or the like, this nudnik would stand behind him screaming and making faces.

One time, the rabbi decided that he had had enough. He was being interviewed by the local TV station at a Jewish event. The nudnik, of course, was there too.

Suddenly, the Rabbi interrupted the flow of the interview by announcing that he had breaking news: he had just started believing in evolution.

The TV host was shocked. "What happened to you, Rabbi? Have you suddenly stopped believing in G-d?"

"Well, no, it's just that recently I grew a tail……"

The guy never came back.

***

I would like to pay my respects to a relative of humankind, thought by some to be the father of all humanity. He looks very much like us and even has some intelligence. And he loves bananas.

I'm talking about the ape.

Yup, the ape is a relative. But not the kind of relative you've been taught to think of.

In Parshas Noach we learn of two disasters that struck society because of its sins: the Great Flood and the Dispersion. In 1656 from Creation (2104 BCE), immorality and robbery warranted the world's destruction.

Then, in the year 1996 from Creation (1764 BCE), the people rebelled against G-d by building the Tower of Babel . As punishment, they were scattered throughout the earth with different languages. In addition, according to the Talmud [1], many of them turned into apes!

So apes and humans do share genes. The scientists did have something to hook their theory on. But contrary to science, we don't come from them; they come from us!

What a backward world.

Thirty years ago, they found skeletons of humanlike figures, but the bones were a little out of shape. So scientists fabricated names for these pre-historic figures: Australopithecines, Homo Habilis, Homo Erectus etc.

(Have you ever noted the irony of the name pre-historic? Of course there is no documented history of those times; they didn't exist!)

Well, it may very well be that these disfigured shapes were actually humans who lived before the Great Flood. After floating in boiling water for half a year, their bones became deformed.

Science has many facts – but not what's behind them. Fact: apes and human share something. Fact: there are strangely-shaped bones. The rest is up for interpretation. If you choose to think you descend from monkeys, and thus respect them, it's your right.

A priest once asked a rabbi why Jews are so good at honoring their parents, while in his community he saw a horrible lack of respect.

"Of course," said the rabbi, "it makes sense that young people don't revere their elders. They are raised to believe that people come from apes. So the youngsters believe that they are of a more advanced, sophisticated generation, while their parents and grandparents are that much closer to their apish ancestry!

"We believe we come from G-d, so the older the generation, the closer to G-d they are."

I believe they are my grandchildren. Let them respect me.

---

[1] Sanhedrin 109.

Why Didn’t Adam Have a Brother?

Three Jewish mothers are discussing the love their sons show them.

Mother 1: My son loves me so much; he sends me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for mothers' day!

Mother 2: That you call love? That's a "one-time-a-year-get-it-off-my-back-move." My son, on the other hand, loves me so much that he bought me a Rolls-Royce for my 60th birthday!

Mother 3 (with a snort): What do you ladies know about love? Let me tell you about true love: my son, for the past twenty years, goes to a special doctor twice a week and pays over a hundred dollars a visit – and who do you think he talks about during all those expensive visits? ME!

***

"Dear G-d," the man cried out, "there is so much suffering in this world; why don't you send help?"

And G-d responded, "I certainly did. I sent you."

*

What are the two most destructive words in the dictionary?

They are neither "global warming" nor "American politics"; not even "Hillary Clinton".

The winning words are none other than: I CAN'T.

A wise man once said that someone who is scared to fail will never succeed.

Just a few days ago, I asked my friend why he doesn't begin developing his speaking and writing abilities. He whisked away the idea with two words: "I can't".

With that little utterance, opportunities are lost, achievement is spurned… and lives are wasted.

Each time you say "I can't," you should know that what you're saying is: "I am afraid of failure. I don't want people to lose respect for me." And yes, this statement has many versions, many languages – it even comes in slang. But to the world it sounds very benign: "I can't."

This Shabbos, the Torah scrolls will be rolled back to the beginning. Once again, we will read the weekly portion about the creation of Adam. There's a lot to talk about, but let's focus on one point.

We learn that each creature was created with a mate-companion. Man was created alone, only later to be joined by Eve. Why?

The Torah is teaching us that just like, 5768 years ago, Adam had no one judging his successes and failures, but G-d (and a snake), so too, you have no one to be intimidated of.

Our sages taught that man must tell himself: "The world was created for me." For you. For you to enlighten, perfect and illuminate.

Yes you can.

A call to action:

Close your eyes: there is no one. That's not an illusion; it's the true reality.

The Jacket Costs 4000 Dollars

A few weeks ago I was delivering a sermon in a synagogue. In the middle of my sermon, I noticed someone get up and walk out. Of course, I was pretty hurt, but I managed to contain my feelings and concluded the sermon. At the end of the service, I went over to the fellow and asked him why he'd left.
"Oh," he said, "nothing personal, Rabbi. I went to get a haircut."
Of course, I was relieved. But then it occurred to me to ask him, "But why didn't you get the haircut before my sermon?"
"Rabbi, I didn't need one then!"
***
In desperate need of a suit in honor of the holidays, I went shopping in the mall.
My first stop was a nice big store with a beautiful display. A pleasure to shop in – or so I thought. I went over to the first suit that caught my eye, an elegant blue striped suit, and casually checked the price tag. To my shock and consternation, it read $4000!
Obviously, I had walked into an extremely upscale store – the price range here was completely out of my league.
Not to feel like a total loser, I made sure to try on the jacket and photograph myself in it. And so, at least for a quick moment, I felt like a millionaire. And it was even caught on camera!
Walking out of the store, I couldn't help thinking: Ah, if only I had the money to go shopping without dashing for the " Sale" rack! Then, with closed eyes, I would swipe my credit card on a purchase of a flashy new Lamborghini; I would build a mansion on the beach.
Oh, I thought to myself, how happy I would be!
That changed on Sunday.
I was at the airport waiting to board the plane. Feeling hungry, I walked over to a newsstand to buy some candy. Against my better judgment, I snatched a glimpse at the day's news headlines.
The covers of the multi-readership magazines and papers shouted of conflict, destroyed lives, and immorality. And somehow, most headlines involved celebrities.
Boom! In a flash, the truth hit me in the face, and it screamed: Wake up! See for yourself how fame, money and material bliss not only do not contribute to happiness – on the contrary, they thwart it! These adored personalities, envies of the public, can not enjoy the blessings of normal life, health and family which many take for granted. It's a heavy price they pay.
*
Wednesday evening, we begin a nine-day non-stop marathon of feasting, dancing, and laughter.
Having a hard time putting a smile on the face after your credit card has been stretched to the max, and you don't have a clue where to start?
That's the point! You don't need to acquire anything to find happiness, because it comes from within. Just look inside and become aware of the unique YOU, by appreciating the fact that you are so special that there is no one in the world like you. Be happy because G-d trusts and believes in you.
If thinking is too difficult, just put a smile on your face. True, you'll feel like a stewardess. But feelings follow action, and before you know it, it will be for real.
Smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drama in the Boca Resort

A Yeshiva student was having a discussion with his rabbi.

"Someday, I too hope to become a rabbi," said the youth. "Aside from my studies, is there any other all-important qualification I will need?"

"Yes, the stimulus of imagination," replied the rabbi. "You will have to imagine that somebody is paying attention to what you say."

***

Call me a greenhorn if you will, but for me this was the first time praying on the High Holidays outside the confines of the Chassidic community in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. This year, I traveled as far out culturally as one possibly can: I returned to Florida, where prayers were held in one of the most prestigious resorts in the world, the Boca Resort.

Part of the package deal of being (or wanting to be) a writer, is that one must always keep his eyes open for good writing material. Ears are always perked and eyes may not rest, for 'here comes some juicy story.'

So naturally, this Rosh Hashanah, I was out looking for some drama. The woman whose wails would resonate throughout the auditorium, the man who would stand up in front of the congregation and commit himself to breaking up with his non-Jewish girlfriend… the works, you know.

Granted, I did have the great merit to watch as a Jew "bought" an Aliya to the Torah for $100,000! The second runner was pretty close behind. And a Jew parting from his money is pretty dramatic, there's no doubt about it. Yet somehow, that didn't do it for me. I was looking for the mushy stuff.

The days passed swiftly in a tiresome marathon of praying, eating and sleeping. And now I sit before the computer screen, pondering recollections of the charged weekend. Nothing seems to stand out. Different? Yes. Unique? Of course! But nothing to warrant the eye twitches of a journalist.

My Jewish sensibilities finally take over the journalistic perspective. Hello! Hundreds of Jews, men and women who hardly ever make it to the synagogue throughout the year, individuals who almost deny their Jewish heritage, felt compelled to come and sit for hours of unfamiliar prayers just because they are Jewish. Is that not awesome?

I was expecting the sights of Moscow circa 1990 the first Rosh Hashanah after the fall of communism, or, better yet, the emotions of Yom Kippur in Bergen Belsen 1946. But that is not what brings out the quality of our people, not as much as a bunch of contented Floridians leaving the comfort of their homes, in middle of a regular Thursday, just to experience G-d.

How awesome are your children, oh G-d?

Do Not Read this Email

Two old men have been best friends for years, and they are now in their early 90's. One day, one suddenly becomes deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man says, "We've been friends for years – this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

***

A few years ago a newspaper was launched in England; original and innovative, it was to be the first all-good news newspaper in the world. In it the reader would find only news of donations, births, weddings and the like.

Not to anyone's surprise, six months later, it declared bankruptcy with a 400,000,000 dollars deficit.

With that in mind, you probably won't like this email; it will bore you, it will annoy you. You might even stop reading this weekly thought.

Can you guess why?

This email contains good news, a positive perspective. And if statistics are etched in stone and can never lie, then I can rest assured that you will delete this email, and quickly report this sender as spam. The end of the year will mark the end of my career.

So you continued reading – obviously you are curious (what kind of news is this guy talking about?) Here goes:

First of all, if you're depressed because you feel no one cares, and you feel worthless and empty, then here's some good news: do you know that there's someone thinking about you, at least once a week? Yup, that's me, for as long as you read my email (and send feedback), please consider this email a personal thought from me to you.

On a more serious note: with all that went wrong last year – and I'm sure there was lots of that – you have to admit that there was also lots of good. Remember the smiles, laughs, hugs and tears of joy?

How many times throughout the year did you see the Divine Providence in many different ways? From a chance meeting to a good bargain, from a new relationship to the reparation of a relationship gone cold, you've witnessed the hand of the Almighty.

You most probably met someone who believed in you, trusted in your ability to change the world, saw through you, and saw the beautiful person which is you.

Ok, you cry, but these are nothing compared to the half-cup-empty side of life! But what if no one believes in me? What if most of life seems to be a ladder up to heaven yet the angels are all climbing down?

In that case, may I suggest you go to the library, and read the biography of Maimonides, an orphaned child who, at age eight, was kicked out of his home. When you're finished, go to the American history section and read the story of Abraham Lincoln – the ultimate loser.

While you're at it, think of all those Holocaust survivors who rose from the ashes and built beautiful homes, and who contributed so much to society.

It is so easy to fall into the trap of harping on the bad – devouring the evil in the news, sulking about disappointments, blaming the world for every frustration. Yet bad news is just that, for it gets one nowhere in life. So here's the good news. And though it may not sound as appealing as the horrific headlines, it's the one piece of information you really need to know:

The bottom line is that you are the most special and unique person alive. You can achieve what ever you wish. (I can't promise a victory against Tiger Woods). And whatever last year looked like, next year will be a greater year of achievement and happiness.

Life is great. It promises to be greater. So as you walk into the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah, put a big smile on your face.

Then make sure to compliment the Rabbi on his tie.

Shana Tova

Wow! has a year passed. i know it sounds cheesy but really this year has flown by so quickly. My thought on the past year I will leave for the weekly thought, here i just want to take a minute to wish you and yours a wonderful year of success, nachas and health.
may it be a year where our dreams are realized, where we speak little and accomplish much. A year of love and of forgiveness, of happiness and growth.
to wish each other a year of no failure would be impractical, but we can wish each other to be able to use our failures as step stools to great growth.
oh, did i start lecturing again, ok i wish myself a year of focus! of little "walking the walk, not just talking the talk!"
5768 years the world is standing, and it's all about to culminate, as we rapidly approach the coming of Moshiach. let's make sure we're ready. It's happening in our lifetime! ready or not hear it comes.
Oh, one more thing, Revolutionofgoodness.blogspot.com is now receiving tax deductible donations. Please remember us in your good year resolutions..................................
Love forever,
Shana tova a good HAPPY sweet new year
(just plain) Levi

“What’s your Agenda?”

Hey it's been a while that we haven't got a good smile, so enjoy.

An elderly Jewish couple, on their way to a vacation in Hawaii got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii . He was sure it was Havaii, but she maintained it was Hawaii.

As soon as they got off the plane, they ran over to the first person they saw. "Hi there," said the husband. "Would you mind telling me how you pronounce the name of this island?"

"Havaii."

"Thank you," said the husband gloating.

"You're velcome," replied the man.

***

We went to visit a one-hundred-year-old man.

The rabbi told us that this man was lonely: his kids lived far away and his wife was not able to entertain him 24/7. He was also slowly losing his sight and hearing, weakening the connection to the outside world of which a century had passed before his eyes. So a visit would boost up his morale.

Hey, we thought, it would be interesting to reminisce together on horse traffic and the Bronx. And plus, it's a mitzvah. So we went.

His young wife (84) opened the door, and, after affirming that we were the "ones," led us into the living room to meet her tall and handsome husband .

The conversation went something like this:

Old man: "What's going on? I thought only one boy was supposed to come; why do I see two?"

We: "Well, the rabbi asked us to come and we both wanted the privilege of meeting such a nice man as yourself."

Old man: "Ok. Now before we continue, I want to know – honestly – WHAT'S YOUR AGENDA?

We (shocked): "What agenda?"

Old man: "Come on, tell me, why did you come? You want my money? Is that your agenda? Why else are two young guys spending time with me? I know there's an agenda. What is it?"

Patiently, we explained about the mitzvah of visiting others, and how we were here just to say hello and wish him well.

He let the matter rest. For the next five minutes.

We were talking about WW1 and the depression, when he stopped mid-sentence and looked at us with accusing eyes, demanding: "No lying this time! What's your agenda?"

Over the next hour, we heard that question over twenty times. We even have it recorded on camera. It was surreal; here we were trying to show selfless kindness to a stranger, and he could not accept it.

Finally, when the time came to say goodbye, he stood up, and in a chocked voice said: "I guess you guys really don't have an agenda. It is the first time I've seen people coming to visit, or for that matter, doing anything just to be kind. You guys are special."

As I walked to the car, I contemplated the fact that here was a man who has lived for a century, met countless people and received numerous favors, yet he had to wait to reach 100 to see plain warmth and caring.

Rosh Hashanah is upon us. It's time to get rid of agendas.