It’s not about you!

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "G-d, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

***

Meet the Main Player in this weeks Torah portion: Eliezer. He's the first emissary in the Bible, sent by his master Abraham to fetch a wife for the latter's son, Isaac. The Torah describes in relative length the drama of the first recorded matchmaking effort in history.

Throughout the story, Eliezer encounters miracles in abundance: his prayers are answered instantly, and obstacles disappear from his path. But nevertheless, his ego remains in check; not once in the story does the Torah mention his name.

When the time comes for him to introduce himself to the bride's family, he presents his business card. It reads: 'Eved Avrohom Anochi' (I am a slave from Abraham).

No name, no identity, no 'Graduate Harvard 86, Yale 89, Feeding the starved in Albania 97, Joined the march for the homeless 2000, Top executive in a Fortune 500 company, Board member at the local JCC, Plays golf to support the local Hadassah chapter.'

Many people today try to do many good things. The quest for betterment of humanity inspires wealthy individuals to donate their money to the less fortunate; governments to initiate peace talks; celebrities to champion the cause of environmental protection. Careers in therapy, special education, and medicine are very popular.

Yet all too often, beneath the benevolence and good intentions lay a sinister fellow, commanding us to the right or the left: Ego. It hopes to achieve recognition for its righteous efforts. The dream of seeing one's name in the papers is often an irresistible urge, spurring one on to accomplish his goal. The mission becomes an ego trip.

The Parsha encourages us to realign our goals. You don't fight to win a medal; you fight to win the war. G-d's war. And that's where true success is found.

When heaven calls, stand up and cry: "Eved Avrohom Anochi! I am nothing more than a servant, a messenger from On High to make this universe a holier and safer place for all of humanity and for all of G-d's creations."

Were the Patriarchs Close-Minded?

Please give me one second of your time. The joke will come later. I want to discuss a Biblical narrative with you. It is a story you've known since kindergarten, named "The Binding of Isaac."

Now, we all know that Abraham was the most open-minded man of his day, the first person to "think out of the box." After centuries of polytheism, he brainstormed the idea that the A-mighty is not the dust that got stuck between one's toes.

Yet all of a sudden, when his newly-discovered G-d commanded him to kill his son, the one and only devoted student, the sole propagator of his newfound belief – he did not, even for a moment, question the decree?

Come on, he should have at least begged for a second chance. If I were him, I would play the guilt game: "Listen G-d, let us be honest. I am the only one who serves you; if not for me, you would be a non-issue! And this is my reward?"

Then we have Isaac. He was a healthy man of 37, whereas his aged father was a hundred years older. With one shove, he could have sent his father reeling on the ground, or better yet, bind him to the altar and sacrifice him to G-d. But what did he do? He joyfully walked up to the altar!

If we were to pose this question to Abraham himself, he would wave his thumb in the patented Talmudic study style, as he put forth his idea:

"First of all, I thank G-d I do not live in the 21^st century, when enlightenment means that you can and must question everything, from the sanctity of marriage to the value of life; when you have a legal political party called 'marijuana reform' and when people are so "open-minded" that their brains fall out.

"Having said that, I want you to know that even a free-thinker must have some 'Buck Stops Here' principles for which he will live or die. When you have a backbone of values, then – and only then – you can venture out, knowing that no matter what, you will forever fall back on something solid, something true and everlasting.

"Once I accepted upon myself the sovereignty of the A-mighty, I willingly entered a box, an ark of holiness and meaning. I can still go out and look for ideas out of the box. But the box forever remains solid.

"One last word; If we have no backbone, then we have nothing at all."

* * *

Four Israelis are sitting in a restaurant in Tel Aviv. For a long time, nobody says a word. Finally, one man groans, "Oy."

"Oy vey," says the second man.

"Nu," says the third.

At this the fourth man gets up from his chair and says, "Listen, if you guys don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving."

Did Abraham have serious Psychological issues?

Let's take a look at Abraham's psychological analysis.

Resume

Name: Abraham

Age: 75

Marital status: Married to his niece Sarah.

Children: None.

Siblings: Brother Nachor, who was also his brother-in-law through marriage. Second brother, Haran , committed suicide.

Relationship with parents: Rebellious adolescence. Was caught smashing his father's idols. His distressed father reported him to the government which condemned him to death. Miraculously he escaped unscathed.

Friends: Um, has no friends, shunned by society.

Country of residence: None. He's a nomad, traveling constantly from place to place.

Mission statement: To convince the world of the existence of a Divine Creator.

Boy, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to come up with a serious analysis of this resume. The man has no family, has suicidal genes, has not had the parental opportunity for emotional growth, and lacks stability due to constant travel.

Freud would have a field day with this guy. This is prime show 'n tell for the effect of environment and nurture. This guy is a born loser.

But history is witness to the irony of fate.

The man who changed the world more than anyone else in history – by founding monotheism, fathering the Jewish people, and providing a true example of courage and defiance – is, surprisingly, the destined unfortunate: Abraham.

Was Abraham crazy?

Well, here are the facts. He went against everyone. He circumcised himself at age 99. He believed in G-d when He promised that Abraham would father a child in his old age. He fought a one-man war against the mightiest alliance of kings.

He kicked his own son out of his home because G-d said so. He almost slaughtered his second son. And there's more.

By today's standards, he was crazy. And many a thinker would blame his "quirks" on his tough childhood. If his handwriting would be analyzed by a graphologist… what would it tell?

Our history is full of the "psychological unhealthy": From Noah the loner to Abraham the rebellious, from Isaac who was emotionally abused by his brother, to Jacob who competed with his murderous twin-brother for their father's love. Joseph was sold as a slave by his very own brothers. And the list goes on.

Face it: We are a nation of crazies.

That's if being different and passionate defines craziness.

So dear friend: Do you have issues? You're in good company.

Welcome to the club.

Do we come from monkeys, or they come from us?

I personally know a rabbi who, for a long time, was pestered by a guy in his community. For example, every time the rabbi would speak at a rally or the like, this nudnik would stand behind him screaming and making faces.

One time, the rabbi decided that he had had enough. He was being interviewed by the local TV station at a Jewish event. The nudnik, of course, was there too.

Suddenly, the Rabbi interrupted the flow of the interview by announcing that he had breaking news: he had just started believing in evolution.

The TV host was shocked. "What happened to you, Rabbi? Have you suddenly stopped believing in G-d?"

"Well, no, it's just that recently I grew a tail……"

The guy never came back.

***

I would like to pay my respects to a relative of humankind, thought by some to be the father of all humanity. He looks very much like us and even has some intelligence. And he loves bananas.

I'm talking about the ape.

Yup, the ape is a relative. But not the kind of relative you've been taught to think of.

In Parshas Noach we learn of two disasters that struck society because of its sins: the Great Flood and the Dispersion. In 1656 from Creation (2104 BCE), immorality and robbery warranted the world's destruction.

Then, in the year 1996 from Creation (1764 BCE), the people rebelled against G-d by building the Tower of Babel . As punishment, they were scattered throughout the earth with different languages. In addition, according to the Talmud [1], many of them turned into apes!

So apes and humans do share genes. The scientists did have something to hook their theory on. But contrary to science, we don't come from them; they come from us!

What a backward world.

Thirty years ago, they found skeletons of humanlike figures, but the bones were a little out of shape. So scientists fabricated names for these pre-historic figures: Australopithecines, Homo Habilis, Homo Erectus etc.

(Have you ever noted the irony of the name pre-historic? Of course there is no documented history of those times; they didn't exist!)

Well, it may very well be that these disfigured shapes were actually humans who lived before the Great Flood. After floating in boiling water for half a year, their bones became deformed.

Science has many facts – but not what's behind them. Fact: apes and human share something. Fact: there are strangely-shaped bones. The rest is up for interpretation. If you choose to think you descend from monkeys, and thus respect them, it's your right.

A priest once asked a rabbi why Jews are so good at honoring their parents, while in his community he saw a horrible lack of respect.

"Of course," said the rabbi, "it makes sense that young people don't revere their elders. They are raised to believe that people come from apes. So the youngsters believe that they are of a more advanced, sophisticated generation, while their parents and grandparents are that much closer to their apish ancestry!

"We believe we come from G-d, so the older the generation, the closer to G-d they are."

I believe they are my grandchildren. Let them respect me.

---

[1] Sanhedrin 109.

Why Didn’t Adam Have a Brother?

Three Jewish mothers are discussing the love their sons show them.

Mother 1: My son loves me so much; he sends me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for mothers' day!

Mother 2: That you call love? That's a "one-time-a-year-get-it-off-my-back-move." My son, on the other hand, loves me so much that he bought me a Rolls-Royce for my 60th birthday!

Mother 3 (with a snort): What do you ladies know about love? Let me tell you about true love: my son, for the past twenty years, goes to a special doctor twice a week and pays over a hundred dollars a visit – and who do you think he talks about during all those expensive visits? ME!

***

"Dear G-d," the man cried out, "there is so much suffering in this world; why don't you send help?"

And G-d responded, "I certainly did. I sent you."

*

What are the two most destructive words in the dictionary?

They are neither "global warming" nor "American politics"; not even "Hillary Clinton".

The winning words are none other than: I CAN'T.

A wise man once said that someone who is scared to fail will never succeed.

Just a few days ago, I asked my friend why he doesn't begin developing his speaking and writing abilities. He whisked away the idea with two words: "I can't".

With that little utterance, opportunities are lost, achievement is spurned… and lives are wasted.

Each time you say "I can't," you should know that what you're saying is: "I am afraid of failure. I don't want people to lose respect for me." And yes, this statement has many versions, many languages – it even comes in slang. But to the world it sounds very benign: "I can't."

This Shabbos, the Torah scrolls will be rolled back to the beginning. Once again, we will read the weekly portion about the creation of Adam. There's a lot to talk about, but let's focus on one point.

We learn that each creature was created with a mate-companion. Man was created alone, only later to be joined by Eve. Why?

The Torah is teaching us that just like, 5768 years ago, Adam had no one judging his successes and failures, but G-d (and a snake), so too, you have no one to be intimidated of.

Our sages taught that man must tell himself: "The world was created for me." For you. For you to enlighten, perfect and illuminate.

Yes you can.

A call to action:

Close your eyes: there is no one. That's not an illusion; it's the true reality.